Addicted.

Sugar is my drug.

Yeah, that's a drastic statement and you might think it's an over exaggeration, but hear me out. I'm a hot mess when I'm all hopped up on sugar. 

Here's how it usually goes down:

Cupcake for breakfast? Don't mind if I do! 

...Well I did pack this nice healthy lunch, but now I'm not in the mood for it... Entire box of Cracker Jacks for lunch? Sure, I'll just have a healthy dinner.

...Yeah... I could make those chicken breasts I thawed - OR - I could have a big vat of penne and alfredo sauce delivered while do a little work around the couch. Oh you have dessert? Send 2.

Before I know it, those chicken breasts are getting thrown out and every meal either is a dessert or is followed by one. All of that Domino granulated flowing through my veins just opens the door for binges, binges of food followed by binges of guilt topped with a dollop of self loathing.

When I'm on the wagon, the world is a much nicer place, but getting on the wagon ain't easy. Frankly, I think it is harder than when I quit smoking. The constant cravings for anything sweet are unbearable. After a few days though, my body starts to calm down and not only do I not crave sugar, but I also don't crave much crappy food and eating healthy isn't such a challenge. It's a tight rope to walk though, one donut and I can be back to square one.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the whole scenario sounds like a soft-core episode of Intervention. Just say no, kids.

The Challenge

At 31 and in a sport that is as taxing on your body as roller derby, I don't have all day to make a dent in this weight loss. Yeah, I'm well aware that I can play for many years to come, but I've been putting this off for far too long. I want to lose this weight and then just focus on my derby skills while maintaining.

I need real motivation - a finish line for this first chunk of fat and ECDX 2012, I'm gunning for YOU.

So here it is, The Challenge:

I will lose 50 pounds by June 22nd, 2012

That is 123 days, 17.5 weeks, and about 4 and a half months which averages to 2.85 lbs per week. This sounds a little crazy, I know, but not impossible.

Here is a little reminder/motivation keeping my company on my iPhone:

Mouthfuls of denial

"I don't understand why I can't lose weight, I don't eat that much!"


I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have said and thought this. Because obviously my body is completely different than everyone else. It just can't be that I eat too much! I'm fat from all of the healthy food I eat all of the time... not the brownies!

I have been chowing down on denial almost as much as cake, green tea ice cream, and Heath bars. Almost. I think my problem comes from the fact that at 130 muscular pounds in high school, I thought I was fat and was always trying to lose 5 more pounds so when I actually got fat, I didn't realize how fat I actually was. My weight has ruled my life every since.

My weight is on my mind all the time. I would guess that I think about it more than anything else in the world and I HATE that. I think if I were given the choice between Powerball winnings and a body built for booty shorts, I'd take the body! (...ok wait, I'm fat not crazy. I'd take the dough and hire a personal trainer.)

I've reached acceptance, now what?

Like every other big girl, this ain't my first diet rodeo. I've low-carbed, South Beached, Weight Watched, calorie counted, Fitness Challenged, starved, binged, smoked, and latted myself thinner and fatter for the last decade. All with really no net change. I'm not as fat as I've been in my adult life, but not as thin either.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that I know my body. Despite how many calories any plan or site tells me I need, when I listen to my body, I lose weight. That being said, I also need some accountability. I need to see what I'm doing "on paper" so I am tracking what I eat online.

In the week and a half that I've been listening to myself I have managed to lose 10 pounds.

Onward, ho!

Good enough is not good enough

Learning new things has always come easily to me and not only do I pick up on them quickly, but often manage to become better than average in no time. This has served me pretty well in the past, being just good enough to be decent without really putting that much effort into it. It seems that once I prove to myself that I could be really good at something if I just put a little more time into it, I lose all interest... well until now.

To be honest, in the beginning I wondered if derby would just be another one of those things. It was entirely possible that I would see all of the hard work it took and and decide I just couldn't make the sacrifices. You know what though? I saw all of the hard work and in my mind had already decided that I probably wouldn't make it, but a funny thing has been happening. I keep showing up, I keep working hard, I keep telling myself that I will learn even when I fail at the same drill over and over and over.

For a while my only sacrifices were showing up at every opportunity to skate: 6 days a week before DCRG try-outs, open skates, Charm School, nearly every Meat Camp practice (only missing to take care of my mom and make it to my Uncle's Naval retirement party), and every invite by teams before the draft. After party? Post practice drinks? I was there meeting more league members. 

Like most competitive people, I am my own worst critic and was extremely surprised when I received a call that I had been drafted by my number one team choice - a team stacked with amazing skaters and a record to show for it. ECSTATIC! Obviously all of that skating paid off! Look I did it again!

Fast forward a couple months: my team is awesome and I am still amazed at every practice that I can call these women my team mates. It makes me sappy in way I am normally not for anything else. As for me? I feel like I am exactly the same. 

I've hit a wall and I think that wall is my own ass. That's right, I'm getting booty blocked by my own big fat ass. When I see bout pics and videos, I do not know that woman. She is not the athlete I want to be. She is not the person I want to be. 

It is time for a change. Time to put in the real work.