Phase II - Lose More Weight

Ok, here I am sitting on 34 pounds lost and feeling pretty pleased with my progress so far, but also like I haven't done nearly enough. There are days when I feel like, 'dang, I'm really losing weight!' and then many other times I am like, 'WHY ARE YOU STILL SO FAT, FATTY?!'

When I shop, I still pick up clothes in my old sizes and then think, 'well this one must just be cut big' and am always surprised when the smaller size actually fits ('it must just be cut big?'). The few pairs of cotton panties that I own are all too baggy on me, but I just think, 'well, it must just be old and not holding it's shape'. My brain refuses to catch up to my body and there is a part of me is afraid that if I start actually acknowledging change, I will gain those 34 pounds back instantaneously and never lose again. Because that's logical, right?

With the start of the home team season getting ever closer and another weekend of outdoor team fun and poolside activities on the horizon, I have plenty of dates to use for goal setting.

Independence Day (duh) - To have lost 36 lbs
Rat City Bout (August 10th) - To have lost 46 lbs
Scare Force One Death Camp (August 25) - To have lost 55 lbs
Season Opener (mid October?) - To have lost 65 lbs
My Birthday (mid January) - To be at my goal weight - TBA!

I'm sure you've noticed that my goals have gotten a bit more conservative than in the beginning. Sometimes it's easy for me to lose and sometimes I just cannot get my mind and body in the same place. I've also gotten a little complacent about tracking, but am still paying attention to what I eat. In fact, my last 5 lbs lost was with little to no tracking at all.

One thing I have learned about my body and food is that if I pay attention to what makes my body feel good, I will lose weight. I still have super cravings and I still indulge them, but the difference is that my mind has figured out how not to go overboard. If I wake up and want ice cream for breakfast, I have it, but I don't get crazy with it and I know I will need to compensate with healthy options later (most of the time this actually happens). I don't beat myself up about poor food choices, I just commit to better ones at the next meal.

Even though when it comes to clothes and my body image, my brain doesn't want to acknowledge that I have lost weight, when I put my skates on, my body can tell the difference. It's incredible how such a seemingly small change in weight has made me feel like there are actually wheels on the bottom of my feet and not cinder blocks. I know my speed has improved, my agility has improved, and I feel like with every pound lost, I'm a better player and for once, I don't even think it's all in my mind.

Losing weight has been such a complex journey and it seems never-ending. It may well end up being the hardest, most mental challenge I have ever encountered other than derby and here I am trying to do both simultaneously while attempting to live life in general. With anything, if you let yourself get overwhelmed about how far you have to go, it seems insurmountable.

Remember that every avalanche once was once a bunch of snowflakes. Put your head down, push forward, and take the little victories as they come. Build your own avalanche.

ECDX Recap

Holy shit ECDX was incredible. I don't tend to get excited about a lot and in fact, I'm pretty sure my face probably only let on that I was a smidge above bored, but on the inside - SENSORY OVERLOAD. From the minute we pulled up, it was like I was transported to some kind of Disney show based on a derby girl boarding school crossed with Girls Gone Moderately Wild. Oh hi chatting with Suzy Hotrod at check in... Oh hi jam coaching IM Pain... Oh hi being told by Miss Fortune to "stay relevant in the pack". At the pool sipping a beer at 3pm... watching high-level derby at 3:02. All in a days work, right?

If you ever start to feel your derby spark wane, a trip to ECDX is what the doctor ordered and if that doesn't do it, just quit now. Something about being around all of those incredible skaters makes you want to put on your skates and not take them off the whole weekend. It sends you back home with your fire stoked and your foot primed for kicking ass. For me, it reminded me how much I have come to love this game in such a little time. I hope that the excitement I brought back translates into energy that I can put into co-captaining my incredible team because it takes that love of the sport to keep going.

Along the weekend I picked up a few more derby idols because, can one have too many?

Vicious Van GoGo (R)
All rights reserved by Dave Wood Photography

#1 Vicious Van GoGo (Texacutioners) - At first I wanted to hate on Texas because I really like Montreal, but Vicious Van GoGo has won my derby heart with her incredible footwork and ability to find holes in the pack. She has zero hesitation when she needs to move fast and infinite patience when she needs to let her blockers do some work. Also, she smiles the entire time, people.

#2 Soulfearic Acid (Wheels of Justice) - Like everyone I was ridiculously excited to watch Rose City take on Gotham. I was also really bummed when Scald Eagle went out with an injury her very first time taking the track because I think it would have been a very different game - not that Scald Eagle is that incredible (I mean, she is), but because that WoJ jammer rotation is ridiculous. Soulfearic held it down against Gotham. I'm pretty sure the girl never even got winded despite jamming 3/5 jams. How often to you see Gotham attempt to make huge hits and completely miss? Hardly.

Smack Daddy (L) & Lil Mama (R)
All rights reserved by Frightmare DCRG

#3 All of Wheels of Justice - See above. Watch bout. See score. "Peg-assist".

#4 Smack Daddy (Montreal Roller Derby) - Ok, I feel like a cheater for this one because she never even had skates on the whole weekend, but wow. I heart Smack Daddy. She could have her own "hey girl, meme".

#5 The Pool - Even for those who capital L-O-V-E derby, sometimes you need a little break. At ECDX? No problem. Exit rink two, walk out door, cross parking lot, jump in pool. It's like magic, people. Twenty minutes out by the pool and you are ready for 3 more hours of derby watching. It's that simple.

The pool at the Sportsplex at ECDX. Not unlike being in an episode of The L Word.

So I'll see you next year, right?

p.(mfing)s. I managed to lose another pound before ECDX so I failed just a little bit less.

So much stuff.

To the eight or so people who care, I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU.

First, where the hell have I been?! Well, life kicked me in the teeth and shanked me while I was down. Things in the personal world have basically sucked and all of that suckiness lead to a mental meltdown that allowed me to start 27 blog postings, but not finish one. My brain convinced me that I suck at life so bad, that what the hell is the point? I'm not sad, y'all. Just telling you how it is.

Moving on... I failed. Yes, the dreaded failure. I did not make my goal of 50lbs lost by ECDX (insert wahhh wahhh wahhh noise), but did however make it to 33 and I am damn proud and still going. Thirty three pounds lost puts me .8 pounds lower than the lowest weight I have seen on the scale since I was about 18. Even more importantly than the fact that I finally broke through this godawful plateau, is the fact that I did it while facing some tough life challenges - a time when I would usually eat for comfort and I didn't! You could piss directly in my Cheerios today and I wouldn't even care.

Lastly - and maybe most importantly - I was asked to be co-captain of my team. ME! Me of only skating one year! Though let's be honest, I'm pretty certain this has less to do with my track skills and more to do with my passion for derby, my big mouth, and propensity to run shit. I just hope I do a good job for my team because I love them hoes!

Ok, enough updates for now. Tomorrow I head off to my very first ECDX with stars in my eyes and skates in my bag. I somehow managed to snag a spot on the Antiks v Riedell team AND become captain. If you'll be at ECDX and you see me wandering around or shouting trackside, please come say 'hi'. I only bite if you want me to.