My brain is still fat

I've been over 200 pounds for most of my adult life and I really thought I was never going to lose weight - though I was desperate to do so. Being fat has occupied more of my waking thoughts than just about anything else in my life for the last 10 or so years. I used to walk into a room and immediately "size up" everyone there to see if I was the biggest. I used to wonder what it was like to not always be thinking about being a big girl and how badly I wanted to be thinner - not even thin, just not fat.

I wasn't always fat. In fact, I was downright skinny back in the day. The fact that I gained weight after those formative high school years led to an interesting dichotomy in my body dysmorphia, one where I would feel so fat and ashamed of myself sometimes and other times like I wasn't overweight at all. The latter definitely contributed to me not losing weight before now. I mean, why not have that 3rd slice of cake? I'm not that fat, right?

While losing weight has been a very positive journey for me, my brain still hasn't caught up. For instance, I have no idea what size I am anymore. I don't mean this just in terms of clothing, just in general. There are days when I feel just as fat as my biggest day and sometimes just walking by a full-length mirror can be a jarring experience. I no longer walk into a room and determine who the biggest person is. I don't feel panicked wondering if the the armrests of a chair are going to dig into my sides. There are just all of these things that, after a DECADE of anxious thoughts, just don't exist anymore.

The unfortunate part about the my brain is that all of these anxious thoughts have just been replaced by new anxious thoughts. When people ask how much weight I've lost and I tell them 50 pounds, they are always astonished and for a moment, I'm damn proud of myself. Unfortunately, on the heels of that pride sits disbelief; it feels like I'm telling a lie because even I don't believe it. It's as if, behind it all, I still feel like I will fail or one day I will just wake up and those 50 pounds will be right back on my ass.

As of today, I still have another 50 pounds I would like to lose and it's just as daunting as the first 50. Some days it feels like I'm just hitting the reset button. I still feel fat, just a new version. I still get as upset about the areas of my body I hate and how they look when I've tried on something too small in the dressing room and how I feel like I will never get to where I want to be with myself. I honestly had no idea that teaching my brain to lose weight would be as hard as teaching my body, but I'm learning.

Phase II - Lose More Weight

Ok, here I am sitting on 34 pounds lost and feeling pretty pleased with my progress so far, but also like I haven't done nearly enough. There are days when I feel like, 'dang, I'm really losing weight!' and then many other times I am like, 'WHY ARE YOU STILL SO FAT, FATTY?!'

When I shop, I still pick up clothes in my old sizes and then think, 'well this one must just be cut big' and am always surprised when the smaller size actually fits ('it must just be cut big?'). The few pairs of cotton panties that I own are all too baggy on me, but I just think, 'well, it must just be old and not holding it's shape'. My brain refuses to catch up to my body and there is a part of me is afraid that if I start actually acknowledging change, I will gain those 34 pounds back instantaneously and never lose again. Because that's logical, right?

With the start of the home team season getting ever closer and another weekend of outdoor team fun and poolside activities on the horizon, I have plenty of dates to use for goal setting.

Independence Day (duh) - To have lost 36 lbs
Rat City Bout (August 10th) - To have lost 46 lbs
Scare Force One Death Camp (August 25) - To have lost 55 lbs
Season Opener (mid October?) - To have lost 65 lbs
My Birthday (mid January) - To be at my goal weight - TBA!

I'm sure you've noticed that my goals have gotten a bit more conservative than in the beginning. Sometimes it's easy for me to lose and sometimes I just cannot get my mind and body in the same place. I've also gotten a little complacent about tracking, but am still paying attention to what I eat. In fact, my last 5 lbs lost was with little to no tracking at all.

One thing I have learned about my body and food is that if I pay attention to what makes my body feel good, I will lose weight. I still have super cravings and I still indulge them, but the difference is that my mind has figured out how not to go overboard. If I wake up and want ice cream for breakfast, I have it, but I don't get crazy with it and I know I will need to compensate with healthy options later (most of the time this actually happens). I don't beat myself up about poor food choices, I just commit to better ones at the next meal.

Even though when it comes to clothes and my body image, my brain doesn't want to acknowledge that I have lost weight, when I put my skates on, my body can tell the difference. It's incredible how such a seemingly small change in weight has made me feel like there are actually wheels on the bottom of my feet and not cinder blocks. I know my speed has improved, my agility has improved, and I feel like with every pound lost, I'm a better player and for once, I don't even think it's all in my mind.

Losing weight has been such a complex journey and it seems never-ending. It may well end up being the hardest, most mental challenge I have ever encountered other than derby and here I am trying to do both simultaneously while attempting to live life in general. With anything, if you let yourself get overwhelmed about how far you have to go, it seems insurmountable.

Remember that every avalanche once was once a bunch of snowflakes. Put your head down, push forward, and take the little victories as they come. Build your own avalanche.

Unexpected side effects of losing weight

You may remember when I wrote my Unexpected side effects of roller derby post. Well I've recently encountered a few side effects of losing weight and thought I'd share. Some of these may just be me and my body, but I'm sure some are relate-able.

1. Fat comes off wherever the hell it pleases. I once heard that you lose weight first from the places you gained it last. This may be true; it was a long time ago when I packed on this fat so I have no idea what order it slapped itself on. What I do know is that my ass is disappearing at an alarming rate and I became fully aware of this when I slammed down directly on it and there was not nearly enough badonkadonk to cushion the fall.
2. Food is less tasty. I vaguely remember reading some study about fat people wherein they determined that as you gain weight, your brain starts thinking food tastes better and better. (Thanks for looking out, brain!) This could be why thin people stay thin. Food is still good to me, but not like it was. Seriously people, I used to love food. LOVE IT. Lately though, things just don't taste as good and fruit seems to be the only thing I really enjoy.
3. You might get whiplash from double takes. This one is awesome. For real. I can't tell you how many times I have walked past my reflection and whipped my head around to make sure I didn't mistake what I was seeing. "My stomach really does look like that and I'm not even sucking it in!"
4. Your brain has a hard time catching up to your body. You know you've lost weight. The scale says so, your significant other says so, but chances are you still have "fat brain". Fat brain is what makes you think you still wear the same size when you shop or tells you that you that you still need to wear that tent dress in the closet instead of buying something new and cute that actually fits.
5. You realize you had fat in places you didn't think were that fat. I've heard a lot of comments about losing weight in my face. I honestly never thought my face was fat, but looking back at pictures I do look bloated. Also, my wrists and hands are bonier and vein-ier. Yeah, thanks body. I was super concerned about my fat hands. I'd like to go ahead and hang onto these saddle bags though.
6. My life used to be about eating and now it's about eating. This goes back more tasty vs. less tasty foods and being fat. I loved eating because things tasted so good, how could I not finish it? Now my relationship with food has more to do with fueling my body for activity and making sure I'm consuming optimal amounts for weight loss and roller derby. 
7. Exercise guilt. I used to have food guilt (ex: why did I eat that?!), but now I have exercise guilt. I could go to the gym or practice 12 days in a row and still feel guilty when I miss number 13. I know my body needs the rest sometimes, but I might gain all that weight back if I miss today!!!

As always, I'd love if to hear if you have other ones to add. I hope to do a part 2 to this when I finally get near my goal!

The body you want

There are is a saying that I have heard a million times, but now that I have started this weight loss/derby journey are really starting to click for me:

Eat and train for the body you want, not the body you have.

Duh, right? If you want to be thin, eat less. If you want to be big, eat more. Right? Kind of, but it's so much more complicated than that.

First, which version of thin and "in shape" do you want to be?

If you picked the one on the left, please promptly click the x on this tab and move along. If you picked the one on the right, I like you, you can stay.

Now, I'm not putting down runners or marathoners and I know they don't all look like this. I'm just trying to make a point here. The body on the left is a result of a lot of cardiovascular training and far too few calories to sustain a healthy (imo) musculature. She might be able to run for hours straight, but how much strength does she have? Do you think she could counter-block you on the track? Oh, hell no.

What are your goals for your new body? Do you want to be able to get lower (need quads and hammies for that)? Do you want to take a hit (need lots of core and lower body strength)? Do you want to be able to juke around the pack (need strong legs and power)? Or do you just want to look good in DerbySkinz? If so, go ahead and set your calorie goals to 1200 and hop on the treadmill.

While I was trolling the interwebz earlier, I came across an article titled "What I Wish I Knew As A Female Athlete" and while I don't necessarily agree with needing the 5-6 small meals (I say eat whatever, whenever for the most part), the rest of her advice is sound:

3. Eat better foods more often and don’t eat less. As a female athlete in our current society, there is pressure to be “thin” instead of “healthy.” Many females do this by restricting calories and working out more. This hinders athletic and overall performance and can actually slow any weight loss (if it is needed at all). Female athletes need to focus on developing and maintaining lean muscle and fueling their bodies for competition. This is done by eating 5–6 small meals and snacks per day and drinking plenty of water. (What I Wish I Knew As A Female Athlete)

Yes, ladies you need muscle and fuel for that muscle. Let's not be a breed of skinny "fat" girls schlepping around the track getting knocked over by women with real strength. Losing weight shouldn't be starvation stacked on endless cardio. In fact, I've lost more weight since I stopped doing so much cardio.

Ok, enough of my ranting, but before I sign off on this post please read give yourself this self evaluation of your fitness plan:

1. Are you eating a healthy number of calories based on a proven calculation for your body weight/height?
2. Are you making sure that you are consuming at least 200 calories above your BMR, including exercise?
3. Are you lifting weights?

If you said no to any of these, I would really do some homework and make sure you're doing the right things for your body. Beware who you take advice from (even me, though I am only giving it based on my personal experience and those couple classes I took in college) and do your own research before putting anything into action.

p.s. Remember that fat guy who set the record for the number of Olympic medals won ever? He eats 12,000 calories a day. There's some perspective for ya.

Diet Math or Why I'm Not Upset That I Was Up This Morning

Yesterday would have been my 7th gym and/or practice day in row and I was totally game to go despite being sore everywhere. However, I'm baking a cake for 100 people due Saturday and needed to make a trip to the cake supply and grocery store. Then, I had a board meeting in the city. On top of all of that I need to bake brownies for Saturday's bout and get up super early to skate in the parade. Whew.

In light of the fact that I didn't have practice and I wasn't going to the gym, I figured it was ok if I was pretty light on the eating and would actually help me. I drank a ton of water and by the time I left at 6 o'clock for my meeting, had only eaten around 1000 calories. I left myself this ~400 calorie leeway because we have our meetings at a little pizza place and I wasn't sure if I would be hungry or not.

Fast forward and I didn't eat at the pizza place, but indulged in a few spoonfuls of cake batter and nibbles of extra cake. Since I didn't really know how to track this little cake spree, I just wrote off most of my remaining calories for the day.

This morning when I woke up, I was up around 2 lbs. Once upon a time ago, I would have flipped out and said 'f*ck this diet', but here is why I didn't:

My daily calories goal is 1400
Until 6pm I only ate 1000 calories and drank a ton of water
While I was baking, I ate (what I thought was) about 400 calories

First, it takes 3500 calories to gain one pound (and I "gained" 2). I'm fairly confident in my pre-cake calorie counting, but according to MFP, one Betty Crocker - French Vanilla Cupcake with no frosting is 120 calories. I would have had to eat about 30 cupcakes worth of cake mix just to reach 3500 calories, plus additional cupcakes to cover the deficit that is already included in my calories goal. The chances that this happened are slim to none.

So what did happen? Well I have two hypotheses. The first is that I've been a really crappy water drinker for the last two weeks (with the exception of practices and even then not so great) and yesterday I drank the hell out of some water. The second goes back to not eating enough. After considering how much cake batter/pieces I might have ate, I would say that it was no more than a cupcake and a half (approx 180 calories) and only put me at about 1180 for the day which put my body went into freakout mode again. Who knows, maybe it was a little of both. Either way, it is impossible that this is real weight.

I wrote this post because I know it can be so easy to get discouraged when the scale does not show all the effort you've been putting into losing weight and sometimes it's nice to see things in black or white. Weight loss is a numbers game so if you get discouraged, make sure you really look at your calories and habits to figure out what's going on. Listen to your body!